I'm stuck, trapped.
I thought I knew where I was going but I’m not so sure anymore.
The future is dark.
I can’t see it.
A heavy curtain has fallen in my path.
I try to push it aside but it has so many folds I can’t seem to find the opening and draw it back.
This all started with considering my options.
There are always so many of them. It’s hard to decide the best course of action. The best way forward. I’ve done so many things in my life. I’ve tried so many routes. They haven’t always led to a dead-end but there is continually the fear that they will. That then I will fail. You would think with all the experience I have that it should be easy. It isn’t, it only seems to get more complicated, more difficult.
Too many choices. Too many limitations. Too much knowledge.
I would even be willing to trade some of my hard-won wisdom and experience. Most of it is just conditioning though. Learning how to act correctly. Getting to know the rules of society. Being taught to do it all a certain way. Unfortunately, not being taught to work it out for yourself. I’d give it all up just to get my naivety back. Oh, to once again have the freedom to sail fetterless through life.
To be released. To feel free to cry in public. To scream at the stars. All that stuff.
To not have to think.
Quite often I’ve thrown myself at a journey into the unknown.
I’ve just gone with the first best option that has come along. Don’t think, just do it. That’s a good motto I suppose. I could use it except Nike already stole part of it. Just do it. I’m no sportsman but I think doing something physical is a damn sight easier than jumping a mental hurdle. I’m sure Nike couldn’t solve that one. Although I’d like to see them try to do it.
It is just not their department. Sportswear is not mine, and also not the answer. I’ll just stick with the unknown.
If you jump into the abyss, the unknown, you don’t have to worry about the future. It will sort itself out. It’s too far away. Actually it doesn’t exist. Only the present moment does.
You can’t just live perpetually in the moment though. That’s what it’s for, just a moment, not a lifetime. Ideally it should be a combination of both. A series of unplanned moments linked together.
That’s why I’m stuck.
That’s why I’m trapped.
I can do the moments but where are the links that join them all together?
The word trap has so many meanings.
I looked it up. Physical things like a horse-drawn vehicle, a curve in a waste pipe, a compartment to catch animals or a hollow on a golf course. That’s just a few of them. It can also mean a trick, someone laying in wait for you. Someone or something that wants to catch you.
But what if you’ve caught yourself somewhere? How do you get out of that? Who has the key?
Ok, so you have to work out where you left it, or you have to get a new one made. A bit of a problem if you don’t have the original. Locksmiths are clever people though, eventually one of them would find something that fits.
You just need to find a good locksmith.
If you think about it, there’s a solution to everything. Sometimes you just need outside help.
Alright, so it’s probably best to go with the moment.
There’s no reason to feel trapped. If need be there will be someone out there to help me if I get stuck. Stop fretting about the future. Maybe it doesn’t want to be revealed, the future I mean. Maybe it just wants to stay one step ahead of me. If I catch it, then it won’t be there anymore.
I won’t have a future.